Summer Surf, late August, 2010

As I stepped out of the house with coffee in hand, I felt an unusual chill for this time of the year. All was quiet in the pre-dawn hour of my neighborhood and only the newspaper delivery guy was up at this hour. I hopped into my truck and made my way down to the beach to see if there's anything worth paddeling into. I arrived at my usual spot, just north of the power plant, and pulled into the vacant beach parking lot to get a better view.

It was still a dark out but the scent of brine was in the air which meant a new swell is gracing the coast line. I can hear the pounding of waves along the shoreline, in a consistent rhythm, which meant it's a strong and steady swell. A light offshore breeze added chill to the air making it feel more like late November. As the sun began to rise, I could see small rainbows glistening from the spray off the tops of the waves, created by the offshore wind. Seeing that nobody was out yet, I couldn't clearly determine the wave height but it seemed that the waves were at least head-high, and perhaps even bigger. Ray had just called and asked for an update and I reported the good news - load your gear and meet me at the lot as there are waves to be ridden!

By the time Ray met up with me, I had finished my Starbuks Bold and had my full suit on. I was ready to charge it ! I admit that it seemed strange to don a full wetsuit at this time of the year but this has been an unusually cool summer so far. We made our way down the length of the empty bike trail and turned toward shore at the jetty. After a few light stretches, we made our way to the shoreline. The water was crisp and not its usual warm late August tempature. We jumped right it and began the paddle out. With each stroke I took, I felt my heart beating faster as my excitement grew with anticipation of spinning my board around, and paddeling into my first wave ! My first wave came in off to my right. The peak is shaping up in a V format, allowing me to chose to either go right or left. I chose the left because unlike Ray, I love to backhand ! I paddled fast into it, dropped in and made a clean trimming line along a face of glass. I hit a fierce bottom turn, then shot right back up to the top of the wave for a clean snap off-the-top which threw spray at least five feet above the lip ! After about two hours in the water, I began to tire-out so I made my last wave count, riding it all the way to shore. After we made our way back to the lot, changing out of our wetsuits and into our civis, we headed back to my place. 9am and we were not ashamed to crack open a cold beer in celebration of a great surf session. Upon finishing his beer, Ray said "Hopefully the same tomorrow. See you then". By this time, the morning sun felt warm and inviting, so I made my way to the patio lounge chair to settle in and perhaps do some writing. At this point, I closed my eyes and wondered what to write about. My mood was neither somber or excited; it was subdued by the elements of the ocean, and the playful twists and turns I made earlier in the watery playground. Seems that I always find my mind drifting back toward the sea following a memorable surf session, stifling any hopes of placing my thoughts onto paper .....

A l i v e

A fountain to toss a coin in to, a light conversation on the bus an empty boardwalk to run on a open window; passage for cool breezes Here I am, I’m alive ! A newspaper, rife with woes Markets are tumbling, many are weeping Stock prices ever-sinking, and yet Here I am, I'm alive ! A scent of blooming flowers; so refreshing No sound at all, a sense of ease imbues the moment a slow swim in a sleepy sea. Here I am, I'm alive; Alive in these arduous times when lives are ripped to pieces and apathy is everywhere .. But once again, here I am, thankfully alive !

Early steps

She lit her first cigarette of the day and she savored that first, long drag of it. "Finally Friday" she muttered to herself as she made her way toward Starbucks as she does each morning, before the light of day is cast upon the coastline. A hint of morning dew could be felt and seen everywhere as it was coming in off the coast. Andrea began to collect her thoughts about the upcoming day, and what things she'll be looking at when the Stock Market opens. The only sounds she could hear was her own foot steps, from her new clogs trampling along a damped sidewalk, and the occasional car roaring by, however Andrea's mind was drifting; flash backs to when she would occasionally share this walk with someone. She quickly jettisoned that thought and replaced it with the market once again. Will the Fed keep interest rates down ? Will fuel prices continue to soar ? And what will become of that mess over in Europe ? After spending a few moments with Pat, and the baristas in Starbucks, she said good-bye and started back home. Andrea was smiling because although she tends to keep to herself, she does enjoy seeing these folks almost every morning. It provides her a sense of familiarity for each day. On her way back home, she stopped in front of the house just past 15th Street, as she usually does and lit up another smoke. As she started to make her way toward home, another flash back; he popped into her mind once again only this time, the memory of him wasn't going away quick enough. At first, Andrea really didn't want to think about Steve. Enough time had passed, and she was very glad for him to be out of her life but something was different. She started to think about how they would share that walk from time to time, and she recalled the laughter they shared, and she admitted only to herself that some of the most profound, thought provoking conversations occurred while with Steve. This lead to a deeper memory of him, of who he was and of his unfortunate childhood. And within a moment, Andrea couldn't help be shed tears, for there was a very small part of her life when she actually felt a sincere connectivity with another man. However, perhaps it was a combination of his painful past experience, and his total inexperience of how to handle a true relationship that caused her to pull away from him, to walk away and ask him to "please, go away, and do not contact me anymore. I want a lot a space away from you". She knew then as she does now that it was indeed a harsh action to inflict but to her it was good for him, and even better for her. But thinking of some of the laughter, and of the deep conversations they shared had her wondering about Steve; how he doing ? What's new with him ? The thought of emailing him even scratched the surface of her troubled mind but that was quickly dashed. She knew deep down that Steve was a good soul but he definitely was one who was better suited for another, even on a friendship basis. "No, I don't think so" she said firmly and quietly to herself as a response to the possibility of reaching out to him. Andrea started to walk up her drive way and there she found a bouquet of flowers with a card. She opened the card and it was from her new attraction, Evan. She smiled until the last line .. "I bet this is a first for you to receive flowers at this early hour .. enjoy ! " Andrea knew that it wasn't and these was one before Evan, and she truly didn't want to go back into a memory of Steve! What's done is done and there's no sense in looking back into the rear view mirror, especially about him. Before entering through her front door, she turned to look out toward the beach, look toward the Strand, toward the place where she and Steve used to walk and talk joyfully together. Andrea simply smiled for a brief moment, looked down, and closed the door. 

The morning of 6-3-12 ..

Sunshine and Gray ~ The morning sun is now making its way into the kitchen as I sit and look out the back window. All is quiet as I gaze upon the sun rays intertwining with the branches of a barren lemon tree. Peacefully, I hear a small concert from outside, songs ringing beautifully from the fowls nestled in their nests. For a moment, I shut my eyes and take a deep breath to inhale all of this beauty unfolding before me. Beauty; where does such beauty come from ? Where do its origins lie, and where does beauty hide when it's opposite sneaks in to darken and disrupt, to steal, and displace all things of beauty ? I myself, with all of my limited capabilities, cannot fathom such answers but I do know and feel beauty when it makes a visit upon me; my spirits are lifted to high altitudes, causing my emotions and imagination to soar ever higher, but after a while, a certain fear grips me, which stifles my flight, knowing that at any given moment I could plunge into the depths of sorrow and disparity. Perhaps this is why I prefer the gray twilight to constantly surround all of my environs; never too high and never too low. Not much victory, not much defeat, allowing me to hide within the masses, going completely unnoticed, feeling no love or any resemblance of the same. Then, I realize the ugliness within me, the rage inside that is simmering to a boil. Beauty is now on the end of a beat-down, ripped apart from my apathy and deep dispair, and not just today but in perpetuity !

T o r n

I am absorbed with her; she is deeply thinking of me, but I tragically know that she is being held tightly in the arms of another; her husband. My soul cannot rest easily, and my spirit is deeply troubled, longing for an absolution. How is it that this romantic web entangled me ? It constricts my every thought, paralyzes my feeling of freedom and yet, I find no better solace than in my continuation of loving her, without reservation ! My eyes weep sorrowfully over my beloved, and the depth and breadth of my cry is raw despair, like that which I have never known. Oh mother of mine, who took me to her breast, while in the innocence of my youth, shelter me from the woes of this world, but alas, a man I now am, but why do I pout as a child ? There is no life preserver to rescue from my drowning. Only the sharp pain of the midnight sting; the sting of knowing she desires me, and I of her but the perils of our circumstances forbid our indulgences. My love says to me "wait for me not, for I would slowly wither away in shame and agony if i knew that you, my beloved, whom I earnestly long for day and night, would wait upon a saddened wife of another. For me, I shall ascend to the highest mountains, where I shall hide my face away from this world, away from all who wish to comfort me ! I am reconciled to live out my days in mourning and despair, as is my love, the wife of another. For me, love is a beautiful tragedy

Alone

Making my way though the early morning fog, the flickering light next to the overpass would seem to provide enough solace for the moment as I needed to rest. There I stood looking south toward the Harbor Freeway next to the 3rd Street exit and the sight and sound of cars rushing to and fro had me wondering if anyone I knew had any idea I am here; homeless and with no opportunities to improve my chances to return to a life I once knew and grew comfortable in. I looked down and surveyed the filth I was wearing. My hand stroked through my long and tangled knots brimming from my unwashed hair. I skimmed the coarseness of the beard I've been wearing for the past several months because I haven't had enough money to buy a decent razor. I wish I could as I was never a fan of facial hair, on me at least.

I looked up into the dense fog and began to cry out loud. I felt as if I were all alone and oddly enough, my wish from a while ago had come to pass. I cried not out of pity but more out of my won stupidity. I am the cause of my past and current state of affairs when I allowed the frailties of my past feed my burgeoning insecurities, which began to overtake every aspect of my life. In short, I wanted to be completly alone. I wanted to live alone as Thoreau did and avoid human connectivity. I placed a pad lock on my heart and I threw away the key. The real problem is that I didn't properley plan on how to live in complete emptiness nor did I anticipate that I would ever find myself actually going through with it. Now I find myself reaping the rewards of my own ignorance. My stomach begins to hurt again as a result of its shrinking on account of lack of sustenance. All are unfamilair to me, except for the disparity that is vexing my soul as I became acquainted with this feeling long ago, in my early childhood. For now, I will set my blanket down on the dampened grass and sleep ... hoping I never awake !