Alone

Making my way though the early morning fog, the flickering light next to the overpass would seem to provide enough solace for the moment as I needed to rest. There I stood looking south toward the Harbor Freeway next to the 3rd Street exit and the sight and sound of cars rushing to and fro had me wondering if anyone I knew had any idea I am here; homeless and with no opportunities to improve my chances to return to a life I once knew and grew comfortable in. I looked down and surveyed the filth I was wearing. My hand stroked through my long and tangled knots brimming from my unwashed hair. I skimmed the coarseness of the beard I've been wearing for the past several months because I haven't had enough money to buy a decent razor. I wish I could as I was never a fan of facial hair, on me at least.

I looked up into the dense fog and began to cry out loud. I felt as if I were all alone and oddly enough, my wish from a while ago had come to pass. I cried not out of pity but more out of my won stupidity. I am the cause of my past and current state of affairs when I allowed the frailties of my past feed my burgeoning insecurities, which began to overtake every aspect of my life. In short, I wanted to be completly alone. I wanted to live alone as Thoreau did and avoid human connectivity. I placed a pad lock on my heart and I threw away the key. The real problem is that I didn't properley plan on how to live in complete emptiness nor did I anticipate that I would ever find myself actually going through with it. Now I find myself reaping the rewards of my own ignorance. My stomach begins to hurt again as a result of its shrinking on account of lack of sustenance. All are unfamilair to me, except for the disparity that is vexing my soul as I became acquainted with this feeling long ago, in my early childhood. For now, I will set my blanket down on the dampened grass and sleep ... hoping I never awake !