T o r n

I am absorbed with her; she is deeply thinking of me, but I tragically know that she is being held tightly in the arms of another; her husband. My soul cannot rest easily, and my spirit is deeply troubled, longing for an absolution. How is it that this romantic web entangled me ? It constricts my every thought, paralyzes my feeling of freedom and yet, I find no better solace than in my continuation of loving her, without reservation ! My eyes weep sorrowfully over my beloved, and the depth and breadth of my cry is raw despair, like that which I have never known. Oh mother of mine, who took me to her breast, while in the innocence of my youth, shelter me from the woes of this world, but alas, a man I now am, but why do I pout as a child ? There is no life preserver to rescue from my drowning. Only the sharp pain of the midnight sting; the sting of knowing she desires me, and I of her but the perils of our circumstances forbid our indulgences. My love says to me "wait for me not, for I would slowly wither away in shame and agony if i knew that you, my beloved, whom I earnestly long for day and night, would wait upon a saddened wife of another. For me, I shall ascend to the highest mountains, where I shall hide my face away from this world, away from all who wish to comfort me ! I am reconciled to live out my days in mourning and despair, as is my love, the wife of another. For me, love is a beautiful tragedy

Alone

Making my way though the early morning fog, the flickering light next to the overpass would seem to provide enough solace for the moment as I needed to rest. There I stood looking south toward the Harbor Freeway next to the 3rd Street exit and the sight and sound of cars rushing to and fro had me wondering if anyone I knew had any idea I am here; homeless and with no opportunities to improve my chances to return to a life I once knew and grew comfortable in. I looked down and surveyed the filth I was wearing. My hand stroked through my long and tangled knots brimming from my unwashed hair. I skimmed the coarseness of the beard I've been wearing for the past several months because I haven't had enough money to buy a decent razor. I wish I could as I was never a fan of facial hair, on me at least.

I looked up into the dense fog and began to cry out loud. I felt as if I were all alone and oddly enough, my wish from a while ago had come to pass. I cried not out of pity but more out of my won stupidity. I am the cause of my past and current state of affairs when I allowed the frailties of my past feed my burgeoning insecurities, which began to overtake every aspect of my life. In short, I wanted to be completly alone. I wanted to live alone as Thoreau did and avoid human connectivity. I placed a pad lock on my heart and I threw away the key. The real problem is that I didn't properley plan on how to live in complete emptiness nor did I anticipate that I would ever find myself actually going through with it. Now I find myself reaping the rewards of my own ignorance. My stomach begins to hurt again as a result of its shrinking on account of lack of sustenance. All are unfamilair to me, except for the disparity that is vexing my soul as I became acquainted with this feeling long ago, in my early childhood. For now, I will set my blanket down on the dampened grass and sleep ... hoping I never awake !

Jumper ?

Tommy stood at the Cliff's edge, marveling at the grand scene before him; the mid-morning sun casting what seems like shimmering stars upon the sea's surface, crystal clear waves rushing toward the cliffs, and feeling the onshore breeze blowing his thick hair back, and with his arms spread wide open, he felt so alive when suddenly he heard "Sir, please step slowly away from the cliff and walk towards me" Tommy turned in amazement to see three police cars, a fire engine truck and numerous people staring in his direction. He paused for a moment and looked around to see if they were really talking to him. "Sir, it's going to be alright. Whatever it is I'm sure we can talk about it. I say again, please step slowly away from the cliff and walk towards, me right now"

With a chuckle of irony, Tommy replied "Now wait a minute, hold on here fellas, I'm NOT a jumper. I'm just enjoying the view. I'm fine, really I'M FINE." The officer wasn't convinced and replied back with a hint of caution in his voice "Okay, okay but you're still dangerously close to the cliff. I'd like for you to walk towards me slowly then, okay? Can you do that for me?" Tommy didn't think twice so he obliged. The officer moved in quickly and within a moment he grabbed Tommy by the arm and led him to the patrol car. Tommy was quickly placed in handcuffs and was told it's "for your own safety". The officer asked why he was standing so dangerously close to the cliff. Tommy replied in a puzzled tone, "well, how did you know I was there in the first place?" "A resident spotted you and thought you could be a jumper. This isn't uncommon in this area" the officer replied. The officer continued "Sir, do you have any identification on you ?" "Um, yeah, it's in my back pocket" Tommy replied. "You don't have any weapons or drugs on you or anything that will poke me do you ?" The officer asked in a stern tone. "What ? No, of course not !" Tommy replied in an equally stern tone. By this time, the levity of all this started to wear off rapidly. The police officer retrieved Tommy's wallet and asked "Are you Tommy T. Gristn ?" Tommy nodded yes. "Okay sir, if you'll wait right here I need to run a routine DMV check on you. One of the firemen is going to come over and check out your vitals and ask you a few questions." Tommy started thinking to himself, how can all of this be happening to me when just a mere 15-minutes ago I was in a trance-like condition, taking in all of what this gorgeous morning had to offer ?

The fireman greeted Tommy with his identity and said he had to check some of his vitals. The fireman took his pulse, his temperature, and his blood pressure. Tommy mentioned that he was just recovering from a nasty flu that's been going around. "Yeah, nasty one, isn't it?" the fireman replied. "Are you currently on any medication?" he asked. "Yeah, but I’m not sure of the name of it. They're merely antibiotics and a cough medicine with codeine in it. That's about it" Tommy said. The fireman replied "Well, you're running a slight fever and your blood pressure is a bit high." Tommy nodded as if to acknowledge his findings. "Wait here a moment while I talk to the officer. Do you have any questions for me?" said the fireman "Um, no" Tommy said astonishingly. Tommy looked towards the officer and the fireman who were talking while looking back at his direction, and after a brief conversation, he saw the officer nod and walk back towards him. "Sir, after speaking with my superior officer, and based on the fireman's initial evaluation of your present condition, we're going to take you to a facility for further evaluation just to make sure you're okay. It's for your own safety. Do you have a spouse, or a relative or someone we should contact on your behalf ?" the officer asked "Wait a minute …. WHAT ? What the hell do you mean you’re 'taking me to a facility' ?" Tommy said with a sense of urgency "Are you saying that I'm going to a psychiatric ward for a 72-hour evaluation ?!"

"Sir, at this time we need to be certain that you're okay, and the only way to come to that conclusion is to allow professionals who specialize in this area to talk to you and obtain some information, that's all" the officer replied "What about my car ? Where exactly are you taking me ? Can you at least remove the cuffs?" Tommy asked in a bit of a panic. The officer replied "We'll probably have to tow your vehicle due to the parking restrictions in this neighborhood, but we'll let you know where it is. You can make your calls once you're at the facility and yes, the cuffs must remain on until you reach the facility" he said in a monotone manner.

Tommy was placed in the back seat of the patrol car like a common criminal. Once he was in and secured by the seat belt, he looked over at the other police officers standing next to his car, just as the tow truck arrived. As the officer started to get into the patrol car, Tommy noticed a group of folks trying to get a glimpse of the man being hauled off. They wanted to see who the devious man is that was in their quiet and crimeless neighborhood. Being so aggravated by now, Tommy could not refrain from sticking his tongue out at the looky-loo's !

Tommy arrived at a place called Little Company of Mary Hospital. To the left was a smaller wing building with a dull looking moniker; Mental Health Building. Tommy muttered, "Great, now I'm a psycho. What will the neighbors think" The patrol car pulled up to the smaller building, and as Tommy glanced towards the lobby, panic started to set in. Tommy pleaded with the officer "I don't belong here. I wasn't trying to kill myself. Really, you gotta believe me !" His plea fell upon deaf ears.

Once inside, Tommy was allowed to make a few calls, and was given a luke warm, lousy cup of coffee. Looking out the main lobby window, Tommy noticed a Starbucks across the street, and with a sudden burst of levity he asked "Say, what if I just pop over to Starbucks for a cup of Joe, and pick you fellas up something as well. My treat. Are we okay with that?" The officer and the ward clerk looked at him and gave no response.

Tommy was escorted into an exam room, where after a brief interview with one of the doctor's, he was again escorted off to another room where he had to wait for further instructions. Nearly 2-hours have passed and Tommy noticed by the time on the wall lock that it was lunch time. Though he hadn't developed an appetite, he felt he could go for an ice cold Dr. Pepper, the nectar of the gods !

Tommy was allowed to dine in the dinning hall, and it was then when he met a timid, elderly fellow named Martin. Martin was brought in for his apparent attempt in ending is 'personal story', however he had an air about him that for some reason left Tommy in doubts about his admittance in this institution. Martin seemed to stroll around with a degree of quiet confidence, as if he knew something nobody else did. Tommy felt intrigued by his presence.

To be continued ........

Safety Pins ...

Generally speaking, what causes us to do the things we ought not to do and not do those we should ?

The torrents of this oddity called love grieves me most times, and the nausea it often causes places great doubt in this feeling that I cannot seem to tame or control ... but thank goodness for the corner liquor store !!

Just me

I suppose the best description of me is that I'm nothing more than a humble wall flower, biding my time in some darkened corner where only a few can see the petals from my quiet and seldom bloom.

Reflection: August 2010

The cooling of an early August morn was met with much delight as I sat and watched the fog gently roll into South Bay. Looking up I saw Venus & the Moon give its pearly light until a blanket of fine mist slowly covered my environs, dimming the heavenly lights above. So, I made my way across the sand untrodden with hopes of a good Friday for all.

Coming down off the Mountain

The surface on the early morning lake is iridescent and motionless. It casts a reflection like that of a freshly cleaned mirror, show-casing the image of the snow-capped mountains in the backdrop. The morning air is crisp and a gentle breeze carries a fragrance of pine emanating from the surrounding redwoods while the sound of the wind rustling through the tall timbers sing like that of rushing waters through the thickened wood. Songbirds begin a melodious madrigal that echo’s down the large ravine.

Standing at the water’s edge, I marvel how all around me is perfectly still and devoid of a human soul. I survey the breadth of the range and gaze upon the sun creeping over the Bitterroots. My heart begins to beat like a drum roll and my spirit is sweetly soothed by the grandeur that is set before me.

Suddenley, a few tears drop from my eyes. So many thoughts and emotions overtake me because I've never known such sweet silence or have been in such a vast, unmolested openness. It brings to the forefront the daily strife I regularly encounter living in concrete environs of Los Angeles that's riddled with so many impossible dead lines and excessive crowds and ubiquitous traffic jams. I reckon that my tears derive from the fact that I must return there, to continue in the ineffectual work obligations that I’m tethered to.


However, before I leave this place I will sit here at the water's edge and let my feet dangle in the cool and steady flow of a gentle stream. I'll stroll through the mead that's in full bloom with my hand gently gliding the tops of colored pedals. I'll then hike through the dense forest and touch the bark of the trees and smell the sweet scent of the budding flowers while listening to the crunching of pine needles under my feet as I meander along paths not trodden. There’s a high ridge just up on the other side of the mountain that I will soon reach and when I get there, I plan to just sit for a while.

As the Bible says, I want to “Be still and know He is the Lord”. I want all of the joyous surroundings to imbue my spirit and to fill my outlook with much hope; hope that one day soon I will sojourn in these mountains for the rest of my days.