Just me

I suppose the best description of me is that I'm nothing more than a humble wall flower, biding my time in some darkened corner where only a few can see the petals from my quiet and seldom bloom.

Reflection: August 2010

The cooling of an early August morn was met with much delight as I sat and watched the fog gently roll into South Bay. Looking up I saw Venus & the Moon give its pearly light until a blanket of fine mist slowly covered my environs, dimming the heavenly lights above. So, I made my way across the sand untrodden with hopes of a good Friday for all.

Coming down off the Mountain

The surface on the early morning lake is iridescent and motionless. It casts a reflection like that of a freshly cleaned mirror, show-casing the image of the snow-capped mountains in the backdrop. The morning air is crisp and a gentle breeze carries a fragrance of pine emanating from the surrounding redwoods while the sound of the wind rustling through the tall timbers sing like that of rushing waters through the thickened wood. Songbirds begin a melodious madrigal that echo’s down the large ravine.

Standing at the water’s edge, I marvel how all around me is perfectly still and devoid of a human soul. I survey the breadth of the range and gaze upon the sun creeping over the Bitterroots. My heart begins to beat like a drum roll and my spirit is sweetly soothed by the grandeur that is set before me.

Suddenley, a few tears drop from my eyes. So many thoughts and emotions overtake me because I've never known such sweet silence or have been in such a vast, unmolested openness. It brings to the forefront the daily strife I regularly encounter living in concrete environs of Los Angeles that's riddled with so many impossible dead lines and excessive crowds and ubiquitous traffic jams. I reckon that my tears derive from the fact that I must return there, to continue in the ineffectual work obligations that I’m tethered to.


However, before I leave this place I will sit here at the water's edge and let my feet dangle in the cool and steady flow of a gentle stream. I'll stroll through the mead that's in full bloom with my hand gently gliding the tops of colored pedals. I'll then hike through the dense forest and touch the bark of the trees and smell the sweet scent of the budding flowers while listening to the crunching of pine needles under my feet as I meander along paths not trodden. There’s a high ridge just up on the other side of the mountain that I will soon reach and when I get there, I plan to just sit for a while.

As the Bible says, I want to “Be still and know He is the Lord”. I want all of the joyous surroundings to imbue my spirit and to fill my outlook with much hope; hope that one day soon I will sojourn in these mountains for the rest of my days.

My Hotel California

For the past 5-years, it seems that nothing whatsoever is motivating me in my professional career. It has become dull as a butter knife and I painfully believe now that my career in commercial Real Estate is not my chosen destiny. All seems to a ruse in which I find myself caught up in, like a butterfly caught in a spider’s web. It seems my hands were made for different work yet each day I toil away in Cubicle-ville; more like a laboratory rat continuously hitting the feeder bar for another food pellet. I find myself day-dreaming of spending time much like Thoreau did; sauntering through wooden splendor alone with my thoughts but not to publish or pontificate any specific position but rather, to spend time reflecting on life and to move about at a manageable pace and to free myself from the teathers of modern technology.

Several years ago, I've discovered one universal, immutable truth which is time stands still for nobody (Duh!) and I have lived the majority of my life in this over-populated city toiling in fruitless endeavors with such a quickened pace because each day in the office the battle cry is ‘make haste for there is money to be made!”. After 22-years of running in the hamster wheel I feel that my remaining, healthy years should be spent exploring the natural wonderment's not yet seen by my limited vision here in the concrete environs of Los Angeles. I want to spend forenoons roaming curiously through the thickened and spend early afternoons with books and writings and early evenings again sauntering through the forest as the sun slowly sets into the great invisible and the forest begins a natural lullaby to all her inhabitants. These descriptions are from past experiences when father used to take us on camping trips in the high Sierra’s and in Yosemite. We would hike along rivers and streams and when the wind raced though the tall timbers it was hard to distinguish it from the flowing river. It's no wonder John Muir wrote much about Yosemite. Well, these experiences left an indelible print on me that is only now re-surfacing in my spirit. It feels like an incoming tide that's about to wash away all of the meaningless doodlings I've written in the sands of my time.

IF I were to actually embark on this quest anytime soon it would require me to make a difficult, if not, terrible and irresponsible decision of abandoning all that I have; family, possessions, friendships and the like which I cannot do if I want to maintain any semblance of decency. Long ago when my career was emerging, father once cautioned me about the enticements and trappings corporate life can bring and that I should perhaps carefully re-examine my core values and ensure myself this is the route I want to take. He should know as he knew it all too well. Rubbish, I thought. I had convinced myself that the American standard was to hold a corporate position, married with children, own a home in the suburbs and maintain a good 401K account. SO I THOUGHT.

For now, I tend to go about my affairs in a perfunctory manner, seemingly content to all only to cloak my true inner burning desire for a much different place at a much easier pace. All those around me, both professionally and personally, seem quite content in their state of affairs and haven’t the faintest clue of my yearning for life amongst the redwoods. Oddly enough, the Eagles' lyrics seem to play over in my head; "You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave"

Father, once again you were right as rain.

Nostalgic America

I've had dreams lately, often about the same thing, when I was in my youth. Those were good times. Proper times. I used to deliver groceries on my bicycle after school. It was a fun and easy job. At delivery time, it didn't matter if the customer was home because nobody ever locked their doors. I'd just walk in the back door and deliver the groceries. At the end of the day, the manager would reach into his pocket and pay me and the other delivery boys in cash. We never counted the money because nobody ever cheated.

We were Americans; We knew and trusted each other.

That was indeed a long time ago.

Sound bites on me ......

I wish I could write lucidly
It sometimes hurts to write honestly of myself
I yearn to write correctly
I loathe my ineffectual words & admire those of others
I'm sometimes viewed as a recluse
I love my family
I'm usually quiet but have many thoughts swimming in my mind
I don't always answer deep questions right away
I'm not comfortable in large crowds
I often thumb through my collection of antique bibles in 12 different languages
I tend to have a short attention span
I surf very confidently - one of the few things I'm confident of
I dream of leaving the big city far behind
I prefer to snack rather than dine
I don't own a PDA device as I refuse to be tethered
I seldomly watch TV
I'd say that my favorite movie is A River Runs Though It
I could spend hours in a book store
I enjoy riding my motorcycle along the coast on a sunny Sunday afternoon
I take my dog Chip for a walk each night then spoil him w/ treats
I sometimes wonder why God loves me
I'm hoping to climb Kilamanjaro in the summer of 2010 - all depends on the market
I have a tendency to speak in a condescending manner when I'm annoyed
I wish I had a true friend who would listen when I express thought & emotion
I cherish running at 3am along the beach
I can be complicated but I'm a product of childhood experiences (aren't we all!)
I really enjoy reading YOUR Blogs. Really, I do. I admire the folks who write in here.


I really wrote this for myself as I was sitting here in my study pondering - Who am I ? So, I just jotted a few random thoughts down and for some odd reason, I felt a pleasant ease. Hmmm.

Friends, wine and a surprising deep query .....

I was asked (due in part of my faith) if I think God really cares about people. Well, let's see.

It seems to me God tends to get a bad rap because of our own misguided deeds. People starving in the world "How can God let that happen?" Children suffering of starvation; Same response Increasing violence in the world "Why doesn't God stop it" on and on and on the questions came coming.

WHY GOD WHY ?

Valid questions indeed but if we really examine each situation closely, perhaps some of these are direct byproducts of our own selfish attitudes and actions. Do we all have a little Veruca Salt in us?

Hey, what about me ?
I want my share .....
But I too deserve .....
It's not fair that they .....
How come I can't ........
What do you mean I can't have it now ?

I can't even imagine what God endures on a daily basis. Consider some prayers God may hear on a daily basis;

A prayer from someone complaining about not having a mate and how unfair it is
A prayer from a mother beseeching God for food for her starving children
A prayer from another to win the lottery and promising to give some back IF they win
A prayer from a child asking that daddy won't hit mommy & me anymore
A prayer from someone seeking strength when they just found out they have cancer
A prayer for that new fancy car they've been wanting for so long


Thank goodness that none of us are the recipient of these prayers as we would use our own judgements on which prayer to answer and which ones to deny. Thankfully God loves each one of us and regardless of our short-comings, He wants nothing but the very best for each of us. That doesn't mean He will always say yes or say yes in OUR timing. I think we sometimes view God no different than a waiter in a restaurant. We give our order and if it doesn't come as soon as we expected it we tend to become frustrated, even angered, looking around for the waiter to ask what's taking so long with my order. We cannot see what goes on in the kitchen - all the preparations etc .... Perhaps it takes a bit longer to prepare our order to make sure it's done just right so that we may fully enjoy it. Could the same apply with God ? Making sure all is prepared properly for our complete enjoyment of God's blessing?

I suppose with all of the current events in the world it's easy to blame God. After all He is God and He can stop everything right ? Well, true but then our limited ability cannot see the full purposes of God. I do believe we have the ability to use prayer and action to make noticeable differences in the world. We cannot rid the world of all its problems but it seems to me that each one of us can contribute by taking the time to love & help others where we can. I suppose the best we can bestow to one another is unconditional love & forgiveness (which can prove to be too difficult for some) thus slowly pull away from our own wants in life and allowing a peace that surpasses all understanding to imbue our every-day walk in life.

I reckon some will not like agree with my view and may suggest that I'm somewhat narrow-minded but that's okay. Really, I'm okay with that because we're all entitled to our opinions and beliefs however, I love God and I can't help but sigh when I hear of all the things we blame God for. It's as though I picture God saying to deafened ears "I love you all so much and these horrible things in the world are not my doing or my wish for you but it doesn't mean that I can't use it for good either". When I read of God's love and purposes for us, it's laced with love and peace and though sometimes we encounter rough times, sometimes the reaction is it's God's fault. We cannot see or comprehend God's purposes; we can speculate but that's as far as it can go and no matter how much we validate it in our own mind it doesn't mean we're right. I try earnestly to rely on Faith.

This piece took some thought as I had to start with the man in the mirror (sorry but MJ for stealing your line) and view my own faults and frailties. God help and forgive us all for the many injustices we seem to inflict upon each other.

Prescott & Nadia; The summary above hopefully provides my perspective on the some of the questions you posed a few nights ago over that fine bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I'm sorry it took me a while to respond but some questions I cannot answer on-the-spot without taking time to ponder such deep questions so that I can hopefully tender a seemingly lucid response.

Best,