Safety Pins ...

Generally speaking, what causes us to do the things we ought not to do and not do those we should ?

The torrents of this oddity called love grieves me most times, and the nausea it often causes places great doubt in this feeling that I cannot seem to tame or control ... but thank goodness for the corner liquor store !!

Just me

I suppose the best description of me is that I'm nothing more than a humble wall flower, biding my time in some darkened corner where only a few can see the petals from my quiet and seldom bloom.

Reflection: August 2010

The cooling of an early August morn was met with much delight as I sat and watched the fog gently roll into South Bay. Looking up I saw Venus & the Moon give its pearly light until a blanket of fine mist slowly covered my environs, dimming the heavenly lights above. So, I made my way across the sand untrodden with hopes of a good Friday for all.

Coming down off the Mountain

The surface on the early morning lake is iridescent and motionless. It casts a reflection like that of a freshly cleaned mirror, show-casing the image of the snow-capped mountains in the backdrop. The morning air is crisp and a gentle breeze carries a fragrance of pine emanating from the surrounding redwoods while the sound of the wind rustling through the tall timbers sing like that of rushing waters through the thickened wood. Songbirds begin a melodious madrigal that echo’s down the large ravine.

Standing at the water’s edge, I marvel how all around me is perfectly still and devoid of a human soul. I survey the breadth of the range and gaze upon the sun creeping over the Bitterroots. My heart begins to beat like a drum roll and my spirit is sweetly soothed by the grandeur that is set before me.

Suddenley, a few tears drop from my eyes. So many thoughts and emotions overtake me because I've never known such sweet silence or have been in such a vast, unmolested openness. It brings to the forefront the daily strife I regularly encounter living in concrete environs of Los Angeles that's riddled with so many impossible dead lines and excessive crowds and ubiquitous traffic jams. I reckon that my tears derive from the fact that I must return there, to continue in the ineffectual work obligations that I’m tethered to.


However, before I leave this place I will sit here at the water's edge and let my feet dangle in the cool and steady flow of a gentle stream. I'll stroll through the mead that's in full bloom with my hand gently gliding the tops of colored pedals. I'll then hike through the dense forest and touch the bark of the trees and smell the sweet scent of the budding flowers while listening to the crunching of pine needles under my feet as I meander along paths not trodden. There’s a high ridge just up on the other side of the mountain that I will soon reach and when I get there, I plan to just sit for a while.

As the Bible says, I want to “Be still and know He is the Lord”. I want all of the joyous surroundings to imbue my spirit and to fill my outlook with much hope; hope that one day soon I will sojourn in these mountains for the rest of my days.

My Hotel California

For the past 5-years, it seems that nothing whatsoever is motivating me in my professional career. It has become dull as a butter knife and I painfully believe now that my career in commercial Real Estate is not my chosen destiny. All seems to a ruse in which I find myself caught up in, like a butterfly caught in a spider’s web. It seems my hands were made for different work yet each day I toil away in Cubicle-ville; more like a laboratory rat continuously hitting the feeder bar for another food pellet. I find myself day-dreaming of spending time much like Thoreau did; sauntering through wooden splendor alone with my thoughts but not to publish or pontificate any specific position but rather, to spend time reflecting on life and to move about at a manageable pace and to free myself from the teathers of modern technology.

Several years ago, I've discovered one universal, immutable truth which is time stands still for nobody (Duh!) and I have lived the majority of my life in this over-populated city toiling in fruitless endeavors with such a quickened pace because each day in the office the battle cry is ‘make haste for there is money to be made!”. After 22-years of running in the hamster wheel I feel that my remaining, healthy years should be spent exploring the natural wonderment's not yet seen by my limited vision here in the concrete environs of Los Angeles. I want to spend forenoons roaming curiously through the thickened and spend early afternoons with books and writings and early evenings again sauntering through the forest as the sun slowly sets into the great invisible and the forest begins a natural lullaby to all her inhabitants. These descriptions are from past experiences when father used to take us on camping trips in the high Sierra’s and in Yosemite. We would hike along rivers and streams and when the wind raced though the tall timbers it was hard to distinguish it from the flowing river. It's no wonder John Muir wrote much about Yosemite. Well, these experiences left an indelible print on me that is only now re-surfacing in my spirit. It feels like an incoming tide that's about to wash away all of the meaningless doodlings I've written in the sands of my time.

IF I were to actually embark on this quest anytime soon it would require me to make a difficult, if not, terrible and irresponsible decision of abandoning all that I have; family, possessions, friendships and the like which I cannot do if I want to maintain any semblance of decency. Long ago when my career was emerging, father once cautioned me about the enticements and trappings corporate life can bring and that I should perhaps carefully re-examine my core values and ensure myself this is the route I want to take. He should know as he knew it all too well. Rubbish, I thought. I had convinced myself that the American standard was to hold a corporate position, married with children, own a home in the suburbs and maintain a good 401K account. SO I THOUGHT.

For now, I tend to go about my affairs in a perfunctory manner, seemingly content to all only to cloak my true inner burning desire for a much different place at a much easier pace. All those around me, both professionally and personally, seem quite content in their state of affairs and haven’t the faintest clue of my yearning for life amongst the redwoods. Oddly enough, the Eagles' lyrics seem to play over in my head; "You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave"

Father, once again you were right as rain.

Nostalgic America

I've had dreams lately, often about the same thing, when I was in my youth. Those were good times. Proper times. I used to deliver groceries on my bicycle after school. It was a fun and easy job. At delivery time, it didn't matter if the customer was home because nobody ever locked their doors. I'd just walk in the back door and deliver the groceries. At the end of the day, the manager would reach into his pocket and pay me and the other delivery boys in cash. We never counted the money because nobody ever cheated.

We were Americans; We knew and trusted each other.

That was indeed a long time ago.

Sound bites on me ......

I wish I could write lucidly
It sometimes hurts to write honestly of myself
I yearn to write correctly
I loathe my ineffectual words & admire those of others
I'm sometimes viewed as a recluse
I love my family
I'm usually quiet but have many thoughts swimming in my mind
I don't always answer deep questions right away
I'm not comfortable in large crowds
I often thumb through my collection of antique bibles in 12 different languages
I tend to have a short attention span
I surf very confidently - one of the few things I'm confident of
I dream of leaving the big city far behind
I prefer to snack rather than dine
I don't own a PDA device as I refuse to be tethered
I seldomly watch TV
I'd say that my favorite movie is A River Runs Though It
I could spend hours in a book store
I enjoy riding my motorcycle along the coast on a sunny Sunday afternoon
I take my dog Chip for a walk each night then spoil him w/ treats
I sometimes wonder why God loves me
I'm hoping to climb Kilamanjaro in the summer of 2010 - all depends on the market
I have a tendency to speak in a condescending manner when I'm annoyed
I wish I had a true friend who would listen when I express thought & emotion
I cherish running at 3am along the beach
I can be complicated but I'm a product of childhood experiences (aren't we all!)
I really enjoy reading YOUR Blogs. Really, I do. I admire the folks who write in here.


I really wrote this for myself as I was sitting here in my study pondering - Who am I ? So, I just jotted a few random thoughts down and for some odd reason, I felt a pleasant ease. Hmmm.